


this lack of self-control I fear is never ending

by AwkwardPotatoChild



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Olympics, Alternate Universe - Skating, Atsumu is just dumb, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Romance, Drama, Fluff, Humor, Ice Skating, Light Angst, M/M, Miya Atsumu in Love, Miya Atsumu is an overdramatic drama queen, POV Miya Atsumu, Pining, Pining Miya Atsumu, Pre-Relationship, Scandal, Second-Hand Embarrassment, but not really, rink mates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:28:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24817639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardPotatoChild/pseuds/AwkwardPotatoChild
Summary: Crawling in my skinThese wounds they will not healFear is how I fallConfusing what is realFor Atsumu, the day marked the end of his illustrious figure skating career.For Osamu, it's just another day with his dumb brother.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 13
Kudos: 87





	this lack of self-control I fear is never ending

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carrotsuno](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrotsuno/gifts).



> Written as a gift for Jema as a part of [the Orange Court's secret exchange](https://theorangecourt.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I can't believe I wrote this. I blame Andy for her enabling, but also, I was very much inspired by my own love of figure skating and the fact that when Jema said she wanted a figure skating AU, my dumb monkey brain thought of this [video](https://myjunkisyuzuruhanyu.tumblr.com/post/170936244644/lol-yuzu-crawling-on-the-floor-to-not).
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this, Jema! I tried my best to give you something as good as what you gave me!

Atsumu could see nothing and nothing was all that he could see, all that he could feel. It surrounded him, enrobed him, entirely to the point where he had no clue where it ended and where he began. He hadn’t seen any light in so long that he wondered if it was real or something his mind made up to cope. He knew he had not always been like this, had not been born like this, but he has been within the dark for so long that he now felt like he was one with it. There was no difference between himself and the darkness anymore. There was only one and that was nothing.

No time. No space. No light.

Only nothing.

Or that’s what he thought.

“‘Tsumu, get the fuck up.”

“Ow!”

Atsumu yelped and ripped off the covers. He did his best to glare at his twin, but Osamu would’ve told him it was more of a pout than anything intimidating. In his hand was a pillow, clearly his weapon of choice and the cause of Atsumu’s divorce from the dark.

“‘Samu, what the heck? I’m busy!”

“Busy? With what? Whining?”

Osamu swung the pillow at Atsumu again, aiming for his face. He tried to hit him again, but Atsumu held up his hands to block him, only to get hit by the pillow he failed to notice in Osamu’s other hand.

“Stop! I’m not whining! I’m hiding!” he said as if that was any better. “You know I can’t go out with this scandal. It’s not a good look for me and you know I can’t risk getting my reputation ruined even more.”

Osamu scoffed. “Scandal? That’s what you’re calling it? A scandal?” He rolled his eyes. “Unbelievable.”

Atsumu ignored his brother and buried himself beneath his blankets, transforming himself into a pupa once again. The darkness took over once more and he sighed. This is where he lives now. This is where he belonged.

“Fine,” Osamu sighed. “Guess I’ll go practice on my own until you decide you’re done “hiding” like a baby.” Atsumu heard him walking away. He made no move to get out of bed. “Not like we’re at the Olympics or anything. Oh wait, we are! And we’re sadly a team!” Osamu opened the door. “I knew I should’ve done singles,” he muttered before leaving his twin to mope.

Atsumu let out a sigh of relief when he heard the door close. Alone once again, he peeked out from beneath the covers before pulling them off completely. He knew a chance at the Olympics was something to take advantage of, but Atsumu couldn’t bring himself to be happy.

Not after what happened yesterday.

The awful memory of what happened plagued him constantly. No matter what he did, he couldn’t erase what happened and it only made him feel worse. Osamu had been trying to help him get over it, but clearly, nothing was working. No, all he could do now was leave Atsumu to overcome this on his own, but instead of feeling better, he knew he was getting worse. Filled with regret, Atsumu thought back to how it all started, wondering where he lost control of everything in his life.

It seemed like yesterday when he and Osamu made the decision to move to Sendai. As Japan’s skating capital, they both knew it was the right decision to make, but that didn’t make them any less worried about their future. A skating pair of two men was unheard of and they were determined to prove to everyone that they deserved to be there. It wasn’t long before the Miya twins became a household name, representing Japan wherever they went around the world. Needless to say, Atsumu was proud of what he and Osamu had accomplished, and with their newfound fame, it was unsurprising to have more junior skaters moving to Sendai to practice with them and their coaches, Kita and Aran.

Osamu never said it, but he knew he shared the same opinion as he did when it came to most of the new skaters. They were good, he admitted, but they all lacked a hunger, a spark, that he and Osamu always had. Even now that they were at the top and despite his lackadaisical demeanor, Atsumu never saw himself as a champion, but as a challenger. They never came to defend a title, only to try and win it once more.

But then a small ball of sunshine came and changed everything for Atsumu.

Hinata Shouyou was like a firecracker. He popped up on the figure skating scene with only a hint of a warning before leaving everyone awestruck by his boldness. He had already made waves in the junior level for being the one that was able to convince the famous coach Ukai’s grandson to come back to figure skating and even more so when everyone found out that he was a latecomer that was slowly making his way up to the top of the podium. By the time Hinata was sixteen, he and his coach managed to convince his and Osamu’s skating skating club to allow them to train with them. Atsumu had seen him skate and he admitted that he was good, but what struck him about Hinata was not only his hunger, the same one he had, but the amount of pure joy Hinata had, in regards to skating.

It was easy to get dejected. It was easy to give up. To get into figure skating, the majority of people start at a very young age, which was essential to them remaining flexible and gaining spatial awareness. It was the discipline and drive that made people give up though, and as someone who started later, Atsumu had expected Hinata to do the same. There was a stigma against older skaters, more prevalent among women, but knowing how late Hinata started and how hard he would have to work to keep up, Atsumu expected Hinata to give up before he even made it to juniors. Instead, he managed to make his way into his skating rink and everyday, Atsumu had to watch as Hinata repeatedly fell, only to get back up again.

Not only that, as he continued to push himself, Hinata took risks that most senior skaters wouldn’t have even bothered with, and not just from a technical standpoint. Classical music and songs without words were the common choices when it came to music selection, but Hinata switched genres like he did underwear. One season, it was rock, and the next it was country. The one after that introduced onkyokei to everyone, while after that was medieval folk rock. Within figure skating, it was a running joke that men’s costumes were plain black tops and bottoms. Without fail every season, at least half of the men’s skaters were spotted wearing that exact outfit at some point and if not that, it was another simple monochromatic outfit. Hinata, on the other hand, was part of the handful of men that weren’t afraid of colors or sequins or lace. He wanted his costumes to fit the songs and moods he wanted to evoke, and if that meant wearing a crop top with a cut-out on ice, then so be it.

Hinata worked hard and he worked happily. A year after their first meeting, Hinata entered his first senior competition, and now, in his second year, he was participating in his first Olympics. Throughout this time, he was the first one at the rink and the last one to leave. The progression he made was astounding and Atsumu found himself starstruck by him, which is why it was no shock to Osamu when a few months before the Olympics, Atsumu finally accepted his feelings.

“What do you mean you knew?” Atsumu had snapped. “There’s no way you could’ve known!”

“You literally always stare at him and you’re the first one over whenever he falls, but okay. Sure. Totally not obvious.”

Atsumu huffed. “Maybe I just really care about him, ‘Samu.”

Osamu had given Atsumu a skeptical stare and then Atsumu had refused to talk to his brother for a grand total of half an hour before realizing that he had no clue what to do when it came to winning Hinata over and needed to talk to him, to which his brother simply ignored. Atsumu then decided he needed to watch countless romantic movies and read through hundreds of shoujo manga, all in the hopes of finding ways for him to sweep Hinata off his feet. He tried every idea he could dig up and yet, Hinata never seemed to feel the same way and Atsumu was starting to think that he would never win over Hinata.

It was during a conversation with Osamu two days prior that led to where Atsumu was now. After months of deadends, Atsumu finally relented and begged his brother to actually help him, desperate for any sort of advice. Osamu had only sighed and said something about being considerate, and to be honest, even though Atsumu had asked, he ignored nearly 80% of the conversation. But the fact that he registered something was progress, so now, Atsumu had to find a way to show Hinata that he cared.

The day after that, while still pondering what he should do, Atsumu happened to come upon Hinata in the midst of some interviews. He was only trying to pass by on his way to the restroom, when he accidentally walked in on it. With the massive crowd of interviewers surrounding Hinata and his head full of questions about how to show his consideration, before Atsumu knew it, instead of logically turning around and going another way, he was on his hands and knees, crawling behind Hinata in an attempt to not distract him or the interviewers from their current tasks. At the time, it seemed like a great idea. Along with potentially showing Hinata his love, Atsumu got the chance to be close to him and when he glanced up, he could’ve sworn Hinata had smiled back at him and he felt him screaming with glee internally. In the moment, it all seemed worthwhile, but when Atsumu felt he was far enough and popped back up, the first thing he saw was a camera in his face and a smiling reporter who quickly caught the attention of everyone else as well.

Regret. Embarrassment. Shame.

They all filled Atsumu and he sprinted off before anyone could get a hold of him. He hadn’t realized he had run back to his and Osamu’s room until he fell into bed, the start of his transformation into a pupa. The sound of his phone going off haunted him and it took all of his power to not just throw it across the room before realizing that he could silence it. He didn’t have to check to know that they were no doubt all about his mistake, his failure. How foolish was he for not realizing that this would forever change his reputation? No one would ever take him seriously anymore. His career as a skater, as a professional athlete, all gone within the span of a few seconds. His future was gone now. Everyone will forever remember him as the idiot who crawled on the ground. Years of his life were wasted and to make it even worse, Hinata would never want to see him again. Who would ever want to be with an idiot like him in the first place?

No, Hinata deserved better. He deserved someone who wouldn’t embarrass him.

He deserved someone who wasn’t Atsumu.

Just as he was about to cry, the sound of the door unlocking caused Atsumu to quickly return to his home beneath the covers. He did his best to remain silent and still, not wanting his brother to see him this way. He would do well as a singles skater now. He expected Osamu to sigh and scold him again for being a fool, but instead, he sat down on the bed and he felt a hand gently patting his shoulder.

“Atsumu, are you okay?”

Atsumu gasped and shot up immediately when he recognized the voice. Sitting before him was not his brother, but Hinata, looking at him with such concern that it made his heart ache. He swallowed his tears and forced a cool look on his face before speaking.

“Hinata,” he said casually, “what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be practicing? Can’t get gold if you don’t practice, y’know.”

Hinata smiled like the sun. “I’m here to visit you, of course!” he exclaimed. “I noticed you weren’t at practice, so I asked Osamu and he said you weren’t feeling well, so I thought I’d come by and see how you were doing since you always check up on me too! He lent me his key, so I could get in here!”

Atsumu’s heart skipped a beat. Hinata had noticed? He really noticed? Atsumu didn’t think he had since he never said anything, but the fact that Hinata did, in fact, see how he looked after him meant more than Atsumu could say.

“Oh?” he managed to finally say. “Thanks, but I’m alright. Just a headache, maybe a bit of jetlag. The usual, y’know? No need to worry. I’m all good.”

Hinata nodded. “That’s good to hear! I’m glad you’re doing alright! But even so, since I wasn’t sure, I still brought you something that might make you feel better.”

Hinata got up and grabbed a bag that Atsumu failed to notice earlier off the desk. He set it on the bedside table and opened it carefully to reveal a takeout container of what appeared to be soup.

“I don’t exactly know what I got, but I think the employees understood that I was trying to tell them that I needed something to give to someone who was sick. They said it was popular, so hopefully, it helps you feel better, Atsumu!”

Hinata held the container out to Atsumu and he nearly cried right then and there. Not only did Hinata still accept him after his regretful moment, but he came to help him too. He was literally too perfect for words and it only made Atsumu fall for him even more.

“Thank you,” Atsumu said as he took the container. It was still warm in his hands. “I appreciate it.”

Hinata smiled brightly once more. “You’re welcome!” he nodded. “Also, I can’t believe you actually crawled behind me yesterday. It was so funny! I loved it!”

“You did?”

“Yeah! You really didn’t have to do that. I know you did it because you didn’t want to mess up my interviews, but I was almost done anyways, so it was okay. Still, I thought it was really funny and it made my day.”

Atsumu sat there in a daze, trying to process all of the information Hinata had just dumped on him. He managed to finally give a small smile before Hinata got up from the bed. Atsumu nearly tossed his soup aside to pull him back down.

“I’m gonna let you rest then. Get better soon! I’ll see you at practice tomorrow, Atsumu!”

Hinata waved as he walked towards the door and Atsumu returned it. When the door clicked close, he looked down at the soup in his hands and finally let his tears fall, overwhelmed with emotion.

Hinata actually cared about him. Hinata was worried. Hinata appreciated what he did for him.

Suddenly, the shame and regret he felt earlier were instantly erased. It was still an embarrassing moment in Atsumu’s life that was now immortalized in every newspaper and magazine, but it had all been worth it, if it meant that it made Hinata happy. Atsumu would do it a thousand times over if Hinata wanted him too and he wouldn’t regret it one bit.

Sitting in bed, Atsumu began eating his soup. The warmth it brought him was nothing compared to Hinata.

* * *

“I overcame so much, ‘Samu,” said Atsumu as he leaned against the side of the rink. He took a sip from his water bottle and looked back out to the ice. He smiled when he caught sight of Hinata doing a triple salchow and waved at him. “I’m glad I was able to get through that scandal. Who knows what would’ve happened if I let it control my life?”

Osamu scoffed. “What scandal? Everyone literally thought it was the cutest shit ever and they somehow like you even more now.” He shook his head. “It’s too bad they don’t know how you really are.”

“I really feel like a much stronger person now. I think I’ll be able to overcome anything, ‘Samu. We’re gonna win gold for sure.”

“Unbelievable.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this!  
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